


Tell Me How

by l_ss



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27944435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/l_ss/pseuds/l_ss
Summary: so, someone gave me this idea for a fic (thank u) and I thought why not?hope i did your idea at least some justiceenjoy :)
Relationships: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 4
Kudos: 146





	Tell Me How

**Author's Note:**

> so, someone gave me this idea for a fic (thank u) and I thought why not?  
> hope i did your idea at least some justice
> 
> enjoy :)

It had been 3 months already. Three months since this nightmare had started and it seemed like there was no end to it. Ever since COVID-19 and the pandemic hit, Carina had been working double, sometimes even triple and the level of stress was higher than ever. The doctor, who took pride on having never lost a mom in her entire career, had now lost more people than she was able to count. She was exhausted of it all. Every time she stepped foot on Grey Sloan, she knew it would be a difficult shift.

“Time of death: 16:43”, Carina called on yet another patient. The woman, who was an accountant, had been on the ventilator for approximately two weeks, but her lungs were too weak and did not resist the symptoms of coronavirus. The doctor made her way of of the room in order to take a breath, which lately seemed impossible not only because of the entire reality she was living, but also because the equipment they were obligated to use left little space for actual air, “porca míseria, vaffanculo”

“Hey, what’s happening?”, Doctor Altman asked as she approached her colleague in the hall

“I lost another patient”, Carina shared with her eyes full of tears, “that’s four only today! I can’t take this anymore, I just can’t…”

“Okay, Carina, listen to me”, Teddy said calmly. This situation was familiar for her; having worked in the army, losing people was unfortunately common, “we are doing everything we can. We have been working our asses off to try and save these people. This is not your fault. It’s unfortunate, I know, but this is not your fault. It’s no one’s fault but this freaking virus, really”

“I know”, Carina stated, “but this sucks. All of this sucks”

“How long have you been here?”, Altman questioned

“Since 5 a.m. It’s a 12-hour shift, I am supposed to go home soon, Maya is waiting for me”, Carina answered, “but how can I go home and be happy with my girlfriend when people are dying almost every minute?”

Teddy Altman didn’t know what to say. She didn’t have the answer for herself and she didn’t have the answer for her friend. The new reality affected everyone in ways so deep it seemed impossible to recover. When Meredith Grey almost died, it hit even harder. Everyone at Grey Sloan was dedicating their lives to saving their patients and some of their own were lost along the way. The worst part for Carina is that they died alone, with no one to hold their hand or be by their side. Alone. And she hated lonesome.

She thought about extending her shift to a 24-hour one. No one would dare to say “no”, she knew. However, she also knew that she would be of no use in the state she found herself. It was better for her to go home, take a long shower and rest. So she did. When she arrived, Maya was sitting on the couch, a beer in her hands. Carina didn’t even say hello to her girlfriend, going straight to the bathroom in order to get cleaned up and put her clothes to wash. The Italian woman didn’t bother to go out of the bedroom after she changed into her pajamas, opting to lay in bed instead. She was physically and emotionally drained. Although she hated being alone, she decided it was the best option now. Furthermore, she wasn’t _really_ alone, Maya was in the other room. She was just taking a me time.

“Carina, is everything okay?”, Maya entered the bedroom to check on her girlfriend since she hadn’t gone join her in the living room as she usually did

“Yeah, everything is fine”, Carina answered with a trembling voice as she was on the verge of crying, “you can go drink your beer and relax”

“I’m not gonna go drink my beer and relax while you lay here crying”, Maya approached the bed and laid by her girl, wrapping her arms around her, “what is the problem?”

“The problem, Maya”, Carina said loudly, unwrapping herself from the embrace and getting up from bed, “the problem is that people are dying in front of me every single day and I can do nothing about it. I am a doctor, for god’s sake, it’s my job to help them”

“Babe, you are doing the best you can”, still laying on bed, Maya reassured Carina with almost the same words Teddy had used some time before, “but with this virus...we don’t know”

“ _We_ don’t know?”, Carina asked rhetorically and angrily, “what don’t you know? Your job is only to get people to the hospital but you don’t see them dying in a matter of seconds, Maya. You don’t freaking see it.”

“Okay, this is not you”, Maya stated calmly as she let the doctor extern her feelings

“This IS me, Maya”, Carina shouted as tears came out of her eyes, “do you know what’s not me? To chill on the couch drinking beer after work like there isn’t a virus killing people non-stop. _That_ is not me.”

“Carina, I am a first responder. I know what is like out there, but…”, Maya tried to remain calm

“But nothing!”, Carina shouted again, even louder this time, “as I said, you take people to the hospital but you don’t hear them asking you not to let them die before you intubate them, you don’t see them gasping for air, you don’t hear the deafening sound of a patient who was fine seconds before flatlining for no apparent reason. You don’t know what it’s like out there!”

Maya got up. It was no use to discuss with the other woman when she was in this state. She knew the pandemic had been hard on Carina, that’s why she did the best she could to be there for her. Truth is, she couldn’t do much. Carina wasn’t _completely_ wrong: although Maya was a first responder, the situation in the hospitals were ten times worse. She knew Carina didn’t mean to hurt her or belittle her profession in any way, so she let it slide and judged it better to give the doctor some time.

“I will be in the living room if you need me”, the blonde one shared softly

“Hope there is still beer”, Carina was rough. When Maya closed the bedroom’s door, Carina broke down. She couldn’t recall a time where she had cried this much, but now it seemed like all she could do was let the tears slide down her face. Laying on bed, she buried her face on the pillow. As the tears fell, her body started to feel the consequences of the 12-hour shift and she ended up falling asleep.

-

It was around 9 p.m when Carina finally woke up. Her body ached everywhere and her face was swollen from both napping and crying. Maya was not in bed with her. But why would she be? Carina went to the bathroom in order to wash her face and brush her teeth. Arriving in the kitchen, she could see Maya cutting some vegetables on the counter.

“Hey”, Carina greeted the other woman shyly

“Hey”, Maya greeted back as if nothing had happened, “are you hungry? I am making myself an omelette, want one?”

“Maya, I’m so sorry”, Carina apologized, ignored the question she had been asked, “I didn’t mean to say those things to you, it’s just...I’m tired, very tired”

While the doctor seemed on the verge of crying again, the firefighter approached her with a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Babe, I know”, Maya simply said, with Carina almost melting in her arms, “I know you didn’t mean those things, I know you’re tired. It must’ve been hell to work at a hospital in times like this. I’m here for you.”

“Then tell me how”, Carina paused to let out a quiet sob, “how the hell do I live my life normally when I see people dying everyday?”

“I don’t have the answer for that”, Maya shared sadly and truthfully, “but we try. Because you have a family that loves you, and a girlfriend who is absolutely crazy about you. Amore mio, you are an amazing doctor, but there’s only so much you can do”

“I love it when you call me that”, Carina smiled through tears, looking in Maya’s eyes as they loosened their hug, “amore mio”

“Well, _amore mio_ ”, Maya said again, this time wiping her lover’s tears with her thumb, “how about you sit down and I cook you something? And then we can go to the bedroom and listen to some music while I hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you”

They did. Carina knew that she would never be alone as long as she had Maya. The firecaptain did everything in her power to make the Italian feel better. And Carina let herself be taken care of. At that moment, she was the one who needed a little bit of saving. And, as she laid there in Maya’s warm embrace, there was nowhere else she would dare to call home.


End file.
